What do you do when your computer is so hot it almost glows? The hard disk is full. Should you fragment to make room for a LITTLE more? Yes, I'm talking about the brain. Our advanced supercomputer. Even that can crash. Now I'm there too. Me too.
It came so suddenly. Without warning. My brain just jolted. It was something new that I had never experienced before. I obeyed immediately. At first I wondered if it could be a brain tumor, but I figured it out pretty quickly. The brain has had enough. Exhaustion. The brain is saying: here, but no more! Back off now, before it's too late! I obeyed. I'm not going in there, I'm not going through that wall!
I knew all about this stuff. Or so I thought. I wasn't even stressed. I was just at home. I know all about stress, relaxation, body awareness, being in the moment, mindfulness. I know all that stuff and have for a long time. But this is a different kind of stress, a brain stress. It doesn't feel like normal stress. My breathing is calm. My heart rate is normal. I'm not even tired. I thought exhaustion was about some kind of fatigue.
I didn't know it could come so suddenly, without warning. I can't read another word. Good. That word. No, I've never been good. I have almost felt contempt for the word good. Reliable, on the other hand. Someone who does what she promised. I've always wanted to be like that.
I have heard so many stories about this. I've had colleagues affected, I've read about it, I've talked about it with people, I've sat in conversations with employees who have been on sick leave for a long time because of exhaustion. I have heard them talk about it and now I recognize what they have told me. That's exactly what I'm starting to feel now. But it only came a few weeks ago, it's all new to me.
But I'm just here at home, I don't have to go anywhere! It's just me with the whip. The whip, by the way? I've always been good to myself. I sleep late in the mornings, treat myself to breaks, funny TV shows, movies. Now I can't even turn on the TV, can't check Facebook, can't check my email. Can't turn on the computer, can't even open a book. How can it come so suddenly? With no warning signs. I wasn't stressed. But I was worried. For my studies, the final spurt, I would have time, I would be able to handle everything. Taking care of the house, taking care of the garden, doing things I had promised, singing, the parish Facebook page ...
I know this stuff, I'm trained in this, I've read about it. I have university studies in rehabilitation science, health education, organization and leadership, work environment, I have even been a work environment representative (safety representative) and pushed for improvements in the workplace. I have fought for employers to take more responsibility for this situation that got out of hand long ago. One of my course books was called "Work without Borders". There we have it. That's what's key. This modern phenomenon of always being expected to be available and accessible, working at home, no limits on when the working day starts and ends. But I have no boss over me now. I am the one who decides. I am largely in charge of my own time. My office is at home in the lounge. On the couch. Or even outside in my bathing-bathing-chair on the terrace. Sounds good, doesn't it? Lovely and free. It can't cause exhaustion, can it? You might think so, but it can. And I would never suffer! Because I knew so well! It's only everyone else who doesn't understand that you have to set a limit, that you have to take it easy. Stop for a moment. Breathe. Not take work home. Even in pandemic times with home offices, you have to turn off at five and be free. I've been super careful about that all these years! As a manager, I've been clear that I don't hand out gold stars to anyone who takes the job home. I have very rarely done it myself. Until now. Now work is home and home is work. And I know there are many out there who can join the chorus, saying yes and amen, me too. We've been there. We know what you're talking about, Ingela. Because this affects both men and women of all ages.
But I can hardly talk to a single person. I can't listen when people talk to me. My brain just needs to rest now. I'm rarely the one who runs unnecessarily, I take it easy, I don't rush. Even in the Stockholm metro, I usually take the opportunity to enjoy walking slowly and let everyone else rush past and collide with each other as they please. But when I think about it, I realize that I have been rushing in my mind. I've been hurrying to read, I've been trying to move forward to the next moment. Simultaneity can be dangerous. It's not a virtue to be able to keep balls in the air. But I'll manage to keep track of this and that! Check Facebook again and see what's on TV tonight and write a shopping list, answer that email, delete a lot of spam and junk emails, twenty a day at least. These all sound like luxury problems. Welfare problems. And maybe it is. But it's even more serious. Because it's all those little details that together create exhaustion. My brain can only handle one thing at a time now. And barely that.
Ever since I was young, I have had to learn the tools, sharpen them, use them. I have learned how to take care of myself - body and soul, movement and relaxation. In drama classes in high school, in theater school, all the singing lessons I've taken and all the massage sessions I've had the pleasure of enjoying, I've built a safety net. I've lectured on health, wellbeing, the importance of breathing and being in the moment, of not stressing. I know all that stuff. You can almost become good at knowing all that stuff. And being good at it is not the solution to the problem.
What is a good day? A good day is a day when I get as much done as possible. Or is it? Managing time, making the most of it, is something we value highly today. You could call it efficiency. Just a little more. We think we can do just a little more. I've learned that very well too. If I have several things going on at the same time, for example, I can finish earlier and then be free. A carrot as good as any. If I hurry up and finish this task, I can start the next one a little earlier than planned and then get time off. And enjoy. And rest assured that I can allow myself to enjoy my time off. That time off has to be earned. And I have to be TOTALLY free too, once I am. So every little obstacle that seems to be in the way must first be overcome. I think I'm efficient, that it's a good strategy. I think I make the most of my time. You have to do that. It's repeated like a mantra. And mind you, I have never been a pedant. I have never seen myself as a time fascist. Quite the contrary. I have given good advice to everyone, to take it easy and be careful. And I have been strictly careful not to take work home.
Unfortunately, this does not help.
And it's about fun things too. I only do FUN things. Nothing that anyone has forced me to do. No tasks I don't want to do. I have chosen them myself. That's FUN. I have been studying for the last year. Sitting and reading a book is so relaxing and also rewarding! Imagine being able to do what you think is fun! But then I remember what I've read and heard from others who have been here, that it is precisely the people who like their job so much, who love to work, they are the ones who are most at risk. Because even fun things make my brain say: stop now, that's enough! Here, but no further!
And it's not only weak people who suffer from this - on the contrary - it's often the strongest, the most loyal, the most persistent fighters, those who are passionate about their job! Who want to help, who want to deliver, contribute, make a difference! They are passionate about their work, but now my brain is on fire. I have taken five college courses in the last academic year.
I can handle this. That's what I've been thinking. Yes, but it is precisely this handling that causes problems. The simultaneous capacity, to manage to keep several balls in the air. It has never been a problem for me before. And while I'm at it, I can take the opportunity to do that too. It's quick. It is easy. I can do that.
It's as if there is some hormone or substance that we humans produce when we are active with thought activities of various kinds. And it is as if there is a limit to how much of this substance the brain can tolerate. When we have pumped in all that the brain can take, the door closes. Then it says stop. There is no more room. There is no other way but to go back. And there is no cure other than rest. Complete rest. It's like filling up a car with gasoline, but there's no display or gauge to tell you how much gas you're putting in or how much space is left in the tank. In fact, you don't even know you're standing there pumping gas. Suddenly it's full and you thought it would come gradually, but it came as a shock.
And I probably thought that you would feel stressed before it happened. That I would get some kind of warning signal. But there's a difference between knowing about this, knowing how it is, that it happens and is common, having talked to people who have been there - and actually experiencing it yourself. So here I am. And I'm not going through the wall! So that's why I have to obey my brain when it tells me: WILL! Recovery!
The priest preached the other Sunday about silence. That it has become a scarce commodity. That silence is endangered in our culture. We are not created for all this noise that surrounds us today. It is us humans who have created it. We set in motion and improve everything around us. All that improving, filling in the silence. What is that? What if we didn't improve? What if we resisted the urge to constantly fix everything around us? Let life be imperfect. Not to fill the silence. Stop and be in the silence instead. We need silence and rest. Life is not about striving. The meaning of life is not work, actually. We are allowed to be inactive, passive, still, silent. We are allowed to fail. In fact, we may even refrain from trying to succeed.
What is it that drives us to all this effort? What is your driving force? I believe that society, workplaces and we ourselves have created the problem since the dawn of industrialization. First, it was the workers who were exhausted, and it still is. But then white-collar workers have also been pushed to the limit and there is no one else but us who can solve it together. The first and most important step is to take the problem seriously.
But right now I can't think any more. Now I just sit and stare straight ahead at my gray-flowered wallpaper. It's boring as hell. But all the things that used to be relaxing for me now make my brain almost boil.
It was hard to write this down, but I had dictated most of it on my cell phone, one sentence at a time. It still feels so important for me to share what I'm going through, as a warning to others. Because I didn't get one myself.