In the picture I am singing on the Solliden stage at Skansen. I was thirteen years old. Thore Swanerud was sitting at the grand piano. It was Children's Day and EMI that organized the talent contest. I came second and sang Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now, but in Swedish - "I see with different eyes now". I had an early need to express myself through music and writing. I've always done that, but misplaced priorities and events beyond my control have kicked me off the road.
As a young girl, you sometimes make unwise choices. It's not easy to see in advance what the consequences might be. In order to build a sustainable career in music, you basically need to put in 110% effort. That was not the case for me.
I started writing songs in my early teens and today my portfolio contains over one hundred and forty songs. The road has been long and winding. Both at school and at home I was encouraged to pursue music. I took singing lessons, studied harmony, entered some talent contests and started training in music, but in my twenties I entered a destructive marriage without seeing the consequences. I gave birth to three children in three years and had to bear the full responsibility of home and children. Everyday life consisted of control, coercion and psychological abuse. For the children, it was also physical. When I finally broke out of the relationship, I was twenty-six years old and a single mother of three young boys, who demanded a lot of attention, while I struggled to find myself again after several years in something similar to brainwashing.
Confirmations
But I was free and could plan and start chasing my dreams again. Now I wrote many songs and a whole collection of poems, which were rejected by several publishers. But when I submitted two songs to a songwriting competition, I got publishing deals on those songs. A little later, I was approached by another music publisher who submitted one of my songs to the Eurovision Song Contest. A new publishing contract. And even though it didn't lead anywhere, I was encouraged by the recognition from the two music publishers and got the energy to continue creating.
A creative period
When I wasn't doing laundry, cooking, shopping and taking care of the kids, I was sitting at my piano with my cassette recorder next to me, composing song after song. Now I was writing some of my best songs. I took a songwriting course and met like-minded people. Many people praised my songs and compared me to big names in the industry. I sent demos to publishers and record companies and got positive feedback, but no real results. This went on for several years. I worked as a translator (finally got to be a writer - a dream come true!) and in the middle of all this, my second son, who was six years old, became seriously ill.
The struggle for livelihood
Hard times followed and music was put on the shelf. My son and I practically lived in the hospital for long periods for about a year. As a single mother of young children, I then had to find ways to support myself. The translation jobs stopped and I had to take odd jobs here and there, in mental hospitals and in commercial kitchens. I went to theater school and eventually met a new husband and had a fourth son.
I found new collaborations with musicians and wrote lyrics for a pop band, which also led to a couple of recordings and an entry to the Eurovision Song Contest with a professional artist performing our song. But again, the song was not selected to participate in the competition.
Relapse
The songwriting continued, I used a portastudio and my synthesizer and called up a number of music publishers, prepared them that I was going to send them a demo and asked what kind of songs they were looking for right now. A few weeks later, I followed up with another call to see if they had listened. They often did, and I often heard that they wanted to hear more. I sent more songs and tried to keep in touch with the publishers who liked my music. Sometimes I would visit the publishers and record companies. I would make an appointment with them and bring my demo and they would listen while I sat there. I even went to London once and visited people in the music business. They also gave me positive feedback and liked what they heard. At EMI in Stockholm, I had a contact that I wish I had never let go of. She liked my songs and wanted to hear more, like most people, but I did not return. I attended Kulturama's directing course and was in a very intense period when my son had a relapse of his leukemia and died just over a year later, aged fifteen.
More recognitions
I was now close to forty and felt stressed about it. I didn't tell anyone my age, of course, but I was worried that it would be seen as an obstacle. But I told myself that you can be a songwriter at any age. I wasn't a performer first and foremost, even though I sang my songs and loved to sing. I still do, as I was trained for the stage. For music publishers, the challenge was to place my songs with a suitable artist. That was the obstacle that usually stopped us from going further.
But several A&R (artist and repertoire) managers at record companies liked what they heard and I heard things like "you will succeed sooner or later", "Marie Fredriksson could have sung this, it's so good", "you sound like Kate Bush", "this is a very strong song, do you have any more as strong?" and so on. That's why I kept going and why I knew I was good enough.
New setbacks
Two of my boys had npf diagnoses and as the boys entered their teens, problems with school came up that took time and energy. I sang occasionally in churches and at parties, had some concerts of my own and continued to write songs, alone and with others, while working with other things for a living. I educated myself more and got good jobs, including as a cultural secretary and job coach. I took the opportunity to take courses in music production and learned Cubase and recording techniques. My songs got better with time and with new skills.
I released an album in 2013 and then a couple of singles. A music journalist in Malta listened to my album, got in touch, wrote that the material was "really nice" and played one of my songs on Malta's Radio One. I continued to send songs via various online services and received very nice reviews from the US, with A&R people praising the songs.
At the same time, I had a regular job and all the effort of work and study eventually gave me an exhaustion that put an end to almost all activity for some time.
In recent years, alongside full-time work, I've been trying to find balance in life to deal with my exhaustion and a stress and brain fatigue that I really didn't see coming. It was like a lightning strike. Then, just as suddenly, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I wondered when I would be able to do music again. But it keeps coming. It keeps knocking and won't be stopped.
The detours have taught me a lot and I see them as sources of inner strength and humility in the face of life's unpredictability. The detours have given me experiences that I hope will make my music and lyrics stronger, more personal and touching. At my peak, life got in the way. But I'm on track and have been for a long time.
If I'm Honest - a song I wrote in the 1980s, but recorded much later.
Imprints
And when you find the goal
then you'll look around and say proudly:
I've always done my best
I've followed the voice of my heart
Who can tell you that you chose wrong?
your choices are your choices
And you're never really alone here
because if you are, I will be
You've left imprints
that only you could have made
and you're building monuments
stone by stone
of joy and sweat
No one is sweeping the path in front of you
but a lot of love was born from your struggle
You'll never be quite finished here
and if you are, I'll be waiting
With a lot of longing left
and many warm words to give
You hide a tear
your sadness at what didn't happen
You know you could do more
and there's always a chance
You've never really asked here
but if you do, I'll listen